Fuck Happiness

Happiness.

Now a days, who really knows the true meaning of happiness? I know I sure as hell don't. I can't even remember the last time I was truely happy. I'm sure it was sometime prior to the death of my boyfriend. I just feel like noone will ever love me again. Not the way he did. It was that first love, always and forever, do anything for eachother, no secrets, out of the ball park kind of love. I don't think I'll ever be able to open myself up to someone the way I did with him. He knew everything, my eating disorder, my cutting, my bipolarness and he accepted me for it, it didn't matter to him because he was in love with me and everything i was. What if I can never find that again with someone? Am I destined to be alone? Because its been close to three years since he was killed by a drunk driver and I have done nothing except manage to issolate myself even more with the passing months. I wish for answers to all the open ended questions that I have.

Fasting..

Fasting, fasting, fasting!!! I need to fast! My family is always on my ass to eat something though! I can;t take it anymore! I've gotten so huge! I WILL be fasting for the next 72 hours! I hope to drop at least 5 pounds maybe more. I'm so bulky with water retention it's driving me nuts! My fast will consist of nothing but water, diet soda, and coffee. I know a lot of other ana's don't like diet soda cause of the sugar content but I need it when I'm fasting, it's the only thing that makes my belly feel full and stop hurting! Until later girls and boys xoxo